#[Don't I owe more people
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The hardest, but most important, part of my transition has been untangling what my personal dysphoria is, and what is more a result of cissexism.
What I mean by this is that I learned that I am not dysphoric about certain aspects of myself, my body, and my life, but my discomfort in these aspects was influenced by the cissexist culture I live in which told me I couldn't exist as myself.
It's definitely a slow process, but I have found that it helps me self-actualize and actually see myself instead of what others demand of me.
#trans#transgender#lgbt#lgbtq#ftm#mtf#nonbinary#dysphoria#and what makes this really tricky is that often it isn't clear-cut as to what makes you dysphoric...#...versus what makes you uncomfortable due to your culture or environment...#...i still experience dysphoria but now i find that my motivation isn't to please the people around me...#...if i truly wanted to please the people around me then i would cease to exist altogether...#...and once i truly recognized that and came to terms with this reality i stopped feeling like i owed the world everything...#...i stopped feeling so disconnected with myself...#...i don't think this will be useful for everybody but i want to offer a different approach to it...#...by no means do i think that this is a 'cure-all' in fact it's not even close...#...because what i found that this has done is bring me *closer* to my trans body and my trans soul...#...i have found that my dysphoria has narrowed (especially since going on testosterone) and i feel more at peace
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Honestly I'm glad that the aro community is moving from "we still love our friends and family we're not heartless!" to "we don't need to make up for our lack of romantic attraction with other forms of love" because yeah, our platonic and/or familial relationships are not romance-lite or a substitute for romantic love and a lot of aros reject the idea of love altogether. So yeah fuck trying to appeal to alloromantic people with the whole "we swear we're normal" thing. I don't need to make sense to anyone
Either you accept me as I am whether you understand me or not or you leave me the fuck alone
#aro#aromantic#arospec#not to mention my already existing struggle with connecting to people which was a problem before i even knew i was aro#and probably isn't related to it and has more to do with my history of rocky friendships full of dissapointment and letdowns#so my lack of romantic feelings are not to blame for my antisocial tendencies#of course there definetly are aros who are lonely souls like me and their aromanticism is connected to that but guess what#they don't owe you shit either and are not ''proof'' that aromanticism is miserable and lonely#those of us who are alone are not ''proof'' that we're incomplete without romance
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sketch dumps. composed mostly of razzes. with bonus lilis. aged up character designs i hope you're like :)
#psychonauts#razputin aquato#lili zanotto#psychonauts interns#(various)#norma natividad#fuckin norma.#my art#fanart#blood#minor amount but still i tag#drug reference#ow ow my ehad hurts from obsessing over psychonauts for a week straight#i get my grubby little hands on raz and i make him a weirdo about tickling like me. he is extremely [wiggles fingers diabolically]#to be fair. canon is in my favor about this.#i like the idea of people looking away and then being periodically shocked that raz and lili are still dating#someone: what do you mean you are still dating the girl you met when you were ten. don't you want to date other people#raz: what do you mean you're not buying any more lottery tickets after winning 3 gazillion dollars. don't you want to scratch more tickets
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rdj the (whitewashed) electric boogaloo
This is a reminder to everyone who's excited about RDJ's casting as Doctor Doom that this casting is whitewashing. Victor Von Doom is a Romani character and has been a Romani character since his introduction in the 1960s. (Fantastic Four Annual #2 [1964]) Not only that, but his Roma identity and the persecution he and his family faced due to it is integral to his character, it is what forms his identity. (Books of Doom by Ed Brubaker) Even if on the off chance this casting is meant to not be Victor but instead be some variant of Tony or whomever else becoming Doctor Doom, it is damaging to the character to rob him of that important cultural background. Doctor Doom does not exist without that history. Fans have been pushing hard to cast Doom as a Romani actor for years, especially since the MCU has whitewashed other Romani characters. (Wanda, Pietro, etc) This casting is not a celebration moment, it's fucking heartbreaking that the MCU repeatedly ignores the important and nuanced cultural backstories of characters.
I know I can't change anybody's mind on whether or not you want to be excited about RDJ's return to the MCU. But I do think at the very least you should be mad that the MCU is baiting us all and destroying nuanced and interesting characters for the sake of self-referential easter eggs and nostalgia bait. Because that's what it is. Feel how you'd like to feel about RDJ's return, but personally, this is soul-sucking. I had such a deep love for the MCU as a teenager, it was obviously something incredibly formative to me, especially Tony Stark. This isn't recreating what I fell in love with the MCU for. This is turning a well-planned and artistic storyline of adaptations into cheap cash grabs and fan service. Because, I think we're past the point of being able to call the MCU an adaptation of anything. They can use existing characters' names and powers, but to say they're being properly adapted is laughable.
This is not an adaptation of Doctor Doom. This is RDJ the Electric Boogaloo because Marvel's fear of losing the interest of dedicated MCU fans overrides their willingness to tell stories that are genuine to the characters. I don't know what there is to be excited about that. The MCU has lost its authenticity and aside from a few projects, feels heartless. Every movie is a copy of a copy. This announcement isn't something celebratory, it feels like a death knell of a cinematic universe that's so desperate to cling to relevancy it's resorting to nostalgia for a character/actor who hasn't even been dead for a decade. We're not getting anything new, we're just rinsing and repeating the same song and dance.
I get it. I love Tony Stark, his death destroyed me and I to this day, rue the ending he got in Endgame. It misunderstood his arc and it robbed him of a satisfying conclusion. But the solution to that isn't dragging the corpse out of the grave five years later to whitewash an existing character with rich and interesting nuance, just to forcibly tie his existence in the MCU to Tony. Whether he is a variant or not. Why would you want someone else's fave's legacy to be destroyed simply so your fave's legacy can go on? Hell, if we were really all so hellbent on the return of RDJ and/or Tony to the MCU, we have the multiverse for a reason. There were other ways to do it that didn't whitewash and ruin someone else. This just. Isn't something to be happy about.
#... we will not be addressing that i'm a dead blog#no one say a WORD about my inactivity for 4 years this isn't about that /lh#also if anyone tries to get smart about “romani isn't a race” i don't care and you can shut up.#it's an ethnic and cultural identity. and it should be portrayed correctly.#ESPECIALLY for a character like *victor von doom* of all people. like it is fundamental to him.#i would've included panels of the comics mentioned but most of them use the g-slur and i don't wish to encourage that here#like listen i don't think you need to be a comics fan to be an mcu fan. they're so divorced from each other atp#nor do i think the mcu owes complete comic accuracy. but i do think you should at *least* care when characters are whitewashed.#look. i really don't want this to be a debate on if rdj's return is good or not#i've been frankly baffled at how many old mutuals are excited but. whatever if you want him back i get it.#but it shouldn't be like this. not at the expense of a different character.#this whole thing made me realize i'm *far* more jaded and turned off to the mcu than most of you guys are.#which is fair you can still be an mcu fan. if it brings you joy i'm so happy for you#but how does this like. bring joy i don't get it.#this is soulless. it's uninspired. it's done purely for shock value.#i occasionally get asks to this blog about why i left and asking me to come back#and i get it. i *want* to come back.#but i don't *care* about the mcu anymore. this is not the franchise i fell in love with.#i don't recognize what once meant everything to me.#winteriron will always hold a special place in my heart (as will tony stark)#but like. i just don't have love for it. and it sucks that this bullshit from marvel actively kills the love i had.#this sours tony stark to me. i'm sorry but it does. because was it really worth this? is this what his legacy has become?#this does cheapen his legacy btw. like without question. it turns him into a cheap cameo reference. heart of the mcu my ass.#my fandom circles have *massively* changed#i'm now entirely surrounded by comics fans bc my primary fandom is dc comics. that's what i'm up to these days#and the difference was actually baffling to me. everyone i follow now is *pissed* about this. comics twitter is so mad.#and then i see ppl on here excited and i'm just genuinely surprised this is something you want. i don't get it.#i don't say that to be rude. i just don't get it. how is *this* actually something people *want*.#do i still care about marvel? eh.#i like winter soldier comics and i could give a comprehensive rec list. and i read some other characters i deeply enjoy.
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today i have been kind of like oh god the tasks are endless and consuming -- the tasks are not endless and consuming, the tasks just all involve detailed organization and aesthetic curation which are talents i was not blessed with and skills i have never cultivated so i've been staring at various shelves and boxes of art supplies like Now What all day. at least the art supplies i can kind of muddle through with the help of pinterest but the curios, which i've been stuck on for like two weeks, are like ok is it visually balanced to put two novelty barracuda pucks next to the laughing buddha. the barracuda don't really make me feel zen tbh. at least with christmas decorations i put off so long dealing with that now i can just put them up ig...not sure it's the best use of my money to buy a teal colored christmas tree but what if it is :/
#we also took a little detour on linkedin#and i found the STUPIDEST evangelical job#i was like i could do this in my sleep but the problem is the minute anyone asks me to evangelize on purpose i'm just like#what works for me does not work for everyone idk man do whatever brings you calm and don't worry abt it too much#and evangelical christians hate that shit so idt i'd pass the interview process#SHOULD i get a teal christmas tree. what if i got toxically into making my own ornaments out of all the free shit i've gotten from bay area#sports teams in the past 5 years that is all in a box under my bed#[my family's voice] what if you got toxically into jobhunting instead#the problem is i have applied in different industries so my cover letters which are usually very good are getting chaotic#i owe. SO many people emails and responses on like every platform but i told myself i have to fix the art supply and curio situation#before i can dig into the equally time consuming but way more fun stuff#because i gotta vacuum 😭#fresno oilers.txt
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obviously they won't say anything about it because they only comment on things that are nonsensical, but even kcarats are mad about this collab so i do wonder if they'll end up saying anything or will just act stupid lmfao
#like at a certain point you gotta address it#you can't simply brush off every valid criticism as just ''haters''#like don't post a video of you fanboying over the fuckass in prob hopes of fans going omggg his dream came true#i often think artists don't owe their fans anything in terms of music their time and privacy#but they do owe fans some respect and being linked with this dude for sure is not it lmao#like were they truly expecting for their fanbase who is mainly female to be liek yaaay a song with a dude that hates women!! so fun!!#ah so sorry i'm just still so annoyed will be annoyed for a while#thought about getting back into giffing them this month but yeah i don't think that'll happen#not that anyone cares i could deactivate and people wouldn't notice LMFAO#yeah idk it's just shitty i get liking an artist and not knowing anything about them truly me with so many#but when you're gonna collab when you're gonna basically invite them to be a part of your brand your project....#you need to be a little more careful about it and think is this going to alienate my already existing fanbase#is this someone that i want to be associated with basically#b.txt
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Ik two days gone isn't a huge deal to other people but it is to me, since I feel like I woke up in a completely different world. It felt wrong to come back and blog and act like nothing happened, re: current events. I still feel pretty numb and empty about it all, along with many other emotions. I couldn't bring myself to look at any social media bcs it was like rubbing salt in the wound, and it still feels like its take a bit before I'm gonna be able to truly enjoy all the things I enjoy again. I was gonna write some long post about my feelings about it all but, I feel like atp I'd rather just try to indulge in what makes me happy I guess. Thankfully the fomo of not getting to commentate on all the F1 things that have happened have brought me out of the anxious slump I was in(new driver?? GPDA??? Zhou out??? Send me posts???)
On a completely unrelated note. Anyone interested in adoption?
#icl i took a long nap by accident and woke up feeling better#not completely undepressed and unanxious like the nightmare mental state ive had since monday basically#but more at ease i guess#idk ik i don't owe anything to anyone but#it felt weird to reblog anything and not address this#and also its still going to be a while till seeing things about what happened dont make me immensely upset#as i said. salt in the wound.#i know i know two days is nothing in the scheme of things but it is to me#even though i feel like i absolutely have to make this post before i feel comfortable reblogging and indulging#i still feel like people are gonna find this overly dramatic and annoying so. please don't thanks :)#like usually i just doomscroll when im upset but this was just total lack of interest#and anxiety about literally doing anything i like#so to be able to get out of that is good. and i must say it for my own peace of mind#i just cannot engage at all w the news and that kinda thing so its made me really anxious to scroll anything#gah. even thinking about scrolling even just to read about f1 things is making me very anxious#catie.rambling.txt
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Hell bent and heaven sent are a tragic love story. Who literally cannot see it? Whouffaldi is not only Canon but it's a parallel to so many of the great gothic romance films of the 80s and 90s.
Yep! idk some people are in denial.
Like obviously it's fine if you just want to see it as platonic and are cool about it. But I'm always blindsided by the goofy comments on youtube videos etc. where they act like the very idea there could be romance there is an insane suggestion. Where they condescend to shippers as if we're delusional for seeing what's there. I'm sorry, if you're going to be confrontational and smugly wrong at the same time, I'm going to point out that you're wrong.
#whouffaldi#the other flavour#which is laughing about how they're 'so beyond' romance really grinds my gears as well#romance isn't lesser or inherently unserious or whatever else#and the whole 'kissing would cheapen their connection' attitude about romantic pairings is often coming from a place of sexism just saying#because romance is women's fiction and therefore to elevate something we're saying it's /not/ that#I don't think you need to show kissing to show romance clearly#but saying it would cheapen the characters' bond if they did is some bullshit#kissing would not have made them any more canon than they already are but I'd love to have it#mostly just because we deserved it and were owed it etc etc#but also so I could just post the gif when people are being idiots#they wouldn't stop (eg reylo where we have the gif and yet the moronic hot takes continue) but it would be satisfying#and sometimes I'm petty like that
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[mostly queue operated : 10 posts per day]
Tags of stuff you might want to blacklist under cut as well as other things (check before following me. ):
TAGS
[ #noodity and/or #smutty (if you don't want to see artistic nudes or smutty art reblogs. I have a good reason for not tagging these #nsfw)
#spoilers (I tag anything new for any fandom coming out as #spoilers to keep you all spoiler free.)
#fandom, #fandom discourse (if you don't wanna see me complain about fandoms)
#horror, #tw blood, #body horror and #dark art (if you don't want to see fun splatter or spookiness that may be triggering since some people er... don't like it as much as me.)
#personal, #personal pics #ramblings, #rant, #rant in tags, #!!! (if you don't want to see the most random ramblings ever along with pics, long winded tag rants and me boosting things... although I would want you to boost things in the #!!! tag)
As well as #witchy things (if you don't wanna see me talking my "evil hocus pocus" stuff)]
#politics, #news, #SA mention, #true crime are also recommended to blacklist if you don't like such subjects (and my ranting violence at criminals and hating on the injustice system. I'm a huge pig with badges hater especially since I see 97% bad shit)
#me being blasphemous is pretty self explanatory.
Things That Will Get A Block
Associating with people that have hurt me and my friends
Content thieves. Art, fanfiction etc. Plagiarism and art reposts without credits to get attention on yourself with other people's work is a no.
People that start fights over literally nothing. People that are overly reactive and see "something bad" in anything and start drama about it.
Homophobic, transphobic etc people get blocked.
Right wing conservashits and western commie shits (which are just as bad as conservatives) get blocked. I grew up in a conservative family and I've heard your kind of nonsense repeatedly. None of you are creative and bring nothing new to your "arguments" so I see no point in searing my damned eyes with your uninspiring stale bullshit.
Racist twats get blocked. I ain't gotta see your dumbass. Nobody does.
Porn bots, empty accounts, business accounts, weird content that gives me ick (if you don't tag your poop, diaper and piss play, necrophilia, age play, etc... all which I don't want to see and properly filter.)Like I've got weird fictional interests and personal but even I've got my limits and people ain't even tagging it to avoid getting banned in random main tags that has nothing to do with it.
Even at my married grown hag age I've had guys act inappropriately towards me almost immediately after I made the mistake of following them back. Block, reported. I'm too old for that shit.
Don't waste your time sending me asks or DMs asking for money. Some of you spam this shit to the point of becoming overwhelming. Fuck outta my asks and dms with this. You're obnoxious and its too damn much. Tired of having 30 asks begging for money and dms from fake ass accounts asking me for money cos I made the mistake of thinking they were a legimate follower. Sincerely fuck off and away to my block list.
Minors. Like where are your parents? If I find a minor following me, I'll at least do a soft block. Follow me when you're an adult.
If I block you for any of these things you'll probably stay blocked forever unless something happens that it was a misunderstanding etc..
Random Things About Me
[Status: Taken 💍 but we share each other with fictional characters]
[🧿🔮Ecletic Bruja. Some of my stuff is closed practice but I do share generalized info. Just not closed ancestral matters..]
[Horror/Gore movie/book obsessed: I also reblog a lot of dismemberment and innards which explains the #body horror or #tw blood tag.]
[A bit of a classical art snob. I love old art, the darker and more tragic the better. You can find pretty things of this nature as well as fandom fanarts in #art]
[I ain't 100% "politically correct". I can drag both left and right and my politics can fluctuate between center-right or center-left depending the issue. Example: I support the death penalty (as long as there's no reasonable doubt whatsoever. If there is any doubt, cut the bullshit. Especially these racist ass bloody red states that execute innocent people. If you're gonna do this shit be fucking sure first. Also start executing ped0s instead of people that accidentally killed one person in robbery- ok I'm ranting) and abortion. I also support guns but not everyone having them and there being some more restrictions/background checks etc. That was just some examples of my stance on some subjects. (Made bold for emphasis)]
[LGBT+ safe space🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️🌈 (if you don't like that gfy]
[I have writer's block on everything sorry]
[Dark Humor galore💀]
[Perverted Humor galore🥵]
[🗡 I will only follow back if I like your content and aren't a shitty p0rn bot or some money begging bullshit. I want actual mutuals to interact with and fangirl with, not a bot or a one post blog that only wants money🗡]
[Hablo Español and can understand spoken/read Deutsch and Portuguese]
[My blog is for me. Don't tell me how to run my shit unless you're a masochist.]
[Account is monitored with statcounter]
#pin#before you follow#personal#read more for the rest#my blog my rules i don't owe rude people shit#i block all asks asking for money and report all assholes#btw my account has a statcounter ☺#minors dni#naz/is get blocked. go k y s
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My best advice for trans people who are interacting with transphobes is to not delve into your personal experiences with dysphoria, childhood, sexual experiences, literally anything.
When I was a younger trans person, I thought I could prove my humanity to transphobes by delving into those aspects of my life. I genuinely thought that the more personal information I put out about my transness to transphobes, I could awaken something in them and make them realize "holy shit, I'm talking to a human being and not an abstraction of a 'person'".
What I learned, though, is that all I did was give those transphobes power over me. Transphobia often relies on unfalsifiable "theory" - that means that you cannot prove their theories of transness wrong. By playing their game, all you do is set yourself up to feel humiliated and degraded. By playing this game, you have already lost because they will cheat the game as many times as needed because they are going in with inherent bad faith.
You, in fact, do not owe your life story to transphobes. Their theory about transness is, simply put, that trans people can never be correct about our experiences. There will always be an ulterior motive for trans people in their eyes, because that is all they see. Don't give them that over you.
#trans#transgender#lgbt#lgbtq#ftm#mtf#nonbinary#the information i put on this blog isn't to prove my humanity and it's for other trans people first and foremost but...#...transphobes have tried using it against me which is always more funny to me than anything else#think about the 'theories' about transness to see how they RELY on being unfalsifiable...#...because unfalsifiability is ALL they have. that is the ONLY thing that gives them 'credibility'#one of the most famous instances of this is probably the first one you thought about if you're at all familiar with transphobic 'theory'#but anyway... baby trans people (affectionate) you owe people NOTHING#you don't owe your life story/your asab/your gender/your sexuality/NADA. NOTHING. ZILCH.#basically transphobes would make freud cry tears of pride because of the unfalsifiable narratives they push#i have definitely talked about this before but it bares repeating
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sometimes i want to gatekeep positive-ish news about ukraine from non-ukrainians so hard you can't imagine. in a very bitter, very petty "put it back you didn't earn that shit" way
"oh it's just a couple thousands north koreans" cool, a couple thousands more people for our army to spend precious time and expensive ammo on! and you know damn well these will not be the last couple thousands, and if somehow that isn't enough to finish us off, hey, why not do the same with other countries too? why not china, why not whatever else dictator there is with troops to spare and money to make? it's not like there's anything to deter them, is there
"oh they're just some poorly trained canon fodder though" same could be said about many if not most russian soldiers, and yet here we are and the war is nowhere near over. training quality isn't necessarily a dealbreaker when your enemy outmans and outpowers you by orders of magnitude
"oh but they're gonna be deserting at once" some of them will, all of them won't, and again, what stops north korea from sending more
it's OUR job to cope and survive however we can and YOUR job to be worried out your asses constantly because that seems to be the only thing that puts you in a proactive mood, and boy are y'all behind schedule
#again this is a vent post hence reblogs disabled. i can be normal and constructive and appreciate people sharing our joys#and i know i'm doing the same thing i clown on american leftists for when they're being more mad at dems than at gop#imperfect allies are objectively less of a problem than enemies but emotionally they cause much more frustration#bc unlike with your enemies you have hopes and expectations of them hence more room for disappointment#you know how it is.#and the world is unjust and y'all don't owe anyone your mental health least of all me. yada yada#mari rambles
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I think online mutual culture is killing some of you
#it has been for a long time#you don't owe anyone a follow#and people don't owe you that either... and regardless if you're friendly with them ie interacting constantly or not#these are real people you don't know very well and that is FINE!#if someone doesn't follow back that doesn't mean they hate you... and you shouldn't be self conscious about it#it's ok! you don't have to be scared of embarrassing yourself by reblogging something you like#you shouldn't be terrified of getting unfollowed or vagued or anything at all. and most people aren't mean about it#and you can interact with someone positively without following them or vice versa#like at the end of the day none of this is real#again it's different when you are actually friends and even if you aren't it's nice to just follow and interact i know! i agree#but there's this obsession with mutual followings that used to be even more prevalent on here#it's moved to twitter for the most part i feel but it'll still be here forever.#unfortunately for some people being online is just playing a game of Not Getting Unfollowed#and in case anyone gets scared this isn't a vague post this is just something i notice a little more every day#kinblr was obsessed with this especially and now that it's dying out i see this substantially less but its presence is still overwhelming#and i'm not saying DON'T care about people. it's fun to have mutuals you're just chill with but you know#don't get in over your head about it! you shouldn't be obsessed with cultivating the ultimate online persona just to appease everybody#but also go dm that mutual. make friends. talk to people. shyness and paranoia will steal your life away#and if you don't click it's no big deal. there's always someone out there for you. i promise this is true. +you can still follow each other#nobody makes follow forevers anymore. free yourself#and if we're mutuals i care about you! but that goes for everyone else too#once again this isn't me trying to diss anyone i just think some people take the follow button too seriously
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it's always sad to realize but people who never contact you first aren't your friends. i always let people into my heart very easily n it kinda comes around to bite me bc i always consider people friends even tho they aren't very friendly at all to me
#idk man like;;; i hang on like my life depends on it#not in a clingy way; more a 'even tho we haven't talked for 6 months' kind of way#but if i always Always have to start the convo#that isn't a friend yk??? i know that#in my head i know that#but i still have a really hard time letting people go#it's just sad bc i really don't require a lot of friendship energy either#we can not talk for weeks and i'll be just as happy to hear from you as when we talk every day#but like;;; idk at some point i gotta just let things go i guess bc#it just makes me really tired n sad#mutuals are great and all until they don't even treat you like#idK people dont owe others anything ofc#but i think it's the nice thing to do if you call someone your friend#ring ring
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I literally feel like I'm dying and I need to see a doctor, but I can't worry about that right now because
My bank account is literally in the negatives because I'm too disabled to work and can't make money but I can't worry about that right now because
I'm months overdue on getting my car new tags, but it won't even start if I could drive it so I need to jump the battery and get gas which I don't have money for, but I can't worry about that right now because
People are still expecting me to be social across numerous friend groups and it's pulling me in so many directions that I'm stretched so thin I'm running on no social battery for the last month, but I can't worry about that right now because
I still need to actually clean the house, do the dishes, clean the cat litter boxes, vacuum, and do my laundry... but I can't worry about that right now because
I still need to actually set up my new desk so I can stream since I haven't been able to do that for weeks and streaming is unfortunately my only source of income for how little I make every month, but I can't worry about that right now because
My partner is going through a really hard time right now and I need to be there for her and do what I can to make sure she's okay.
#People like me don't make it man. We just don't.#I'm hyper dependent on others to the point where I'd be homeless without my partner#I'm stressed day in and day out I get messages from people who want me to play games or hang out or just chat and I can't even#find the time to respond because I have 12 other things I need to be doing and those 12 other things aren't getting done because#every single thing I need to do is preventing me from doing something else and at the end of it all my health is getting worse and worse#and as it gets worse it costs more to fix and I can't get on disability without paying for a lawyer with money I literally do not have#and I'm losing it I'm literally going insane I'm pissed off because I see people blame the country I live in or the circumstances I'm in#and they act like they can't do anything and it'd be wrong of me to ask them for help#and I know when I die (and at this point it won't be long) they're going to act like this is the fault of america or some shit#they're not going to think about how they could have helped#and it sucks because some of my friends DO try to help they really do and I love them for it but it's so hard for me to see people#who don't make much money and who are also in tough situations throwing what they can at me to help me when I know people who have so much#they spend it frivolously on luxuries and I want to strangle them but then I'm not owed anything so it's not my place to tell them how#to spend their money or live their life.#and I'm tired man I'm so fucking tired I can't even stay awake for a few hours before I am too exhausted to sit upright anymore#I pass out and find myself without energy before I've even done anything and I'm only 29.
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I think the readers overall were not keen on that final chapter but that's okay it was my first go at the 'epilogue with a baby' structure and I may have made it overly twee or something (or maybe even not twee enough, idk) and so I shall not do it next time I write a multichapter (assuming there is a next time which is something I argue with myself about because Oh So Conflicted). But either way I don't need to write any more of that fic as it is done now. Hurrah!
#on one hand people seem overall more willing to comment on an ongoing work BUT#on the other if a oneshot utterly sinks you don't need to write more of it after that it's just done and you've already moved on.#the continual fear of 'what if they hate this chapter?' was not very fun nor was feeling like i owed people regular updates#which kind of felt like i'd given myself homework and well there's a reason i dropped out of that languages course a few years back.#(the reason was Deadlines and Stress and I should probably do my best not to impose those things on myself in a hobby.)#Make Self Write The Entire Thing Before Posting (more of) It seemed to help but then you have to sit on finished chapters which felt weird?#just because i'm not used to doing that and have no patience generally so i failed to stick to any sort of posting schedule.#i kind of like having a longer thing ongoing while writing oneshots as well but yeah probably i should retire from posting unfinished works#so i learned something from all of this and from doing the same thing last year!#felt insecure might delete later
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if you're deconstructing your ideas of binary gender and binary sex— you also have to deconstruct your ideas of binary sexuality and romantic attraction, too, fyi
#'are you saying homosexuals don't really exist??!?!!?!' no. please use your brain.#im saying it literally doesn't matter if a lesbian dates someone who YOU perceive as a man.#because the people in that relationship know more than you.#and human experience does not exist in a binary.#you have to accept that sometimes other people will experience life differently than you do#this also goes for gays and bis and pans and aces and aros.#the only people who get to define their experiences are them.#so no I don't really care if a gay man says his true love is a woman and he means it.#i still consider him gay. because he knows himself and his partner better than i know how to perceive them both#and how someone else identifies is none of my business.#that woman may be only part woman. or only perceived as a woman. or only sometimes a woman. or always both woman and man.#there's so many ways to be human. you have to learn to take other queers at face value and not question them#when you question if someone is 'REALLY gay' or 'REALLY trans' or 'REALLY bi'; you're thinking with the mindset of an oppressor#you do not need to gatekeep queerness. queerness is not a limited resource. queer people are not your enemies.#learn to empathize and embrace experiences unlike yours. be a better ally to the people in your own community instead of immediately -#- searching for ways to cast them out. be better. stop thinking like our oppressors. queer people do not need to rationalize ourselves for -#- anyone. they don't owe you an explanation. you cannot take their 'gay card' away.
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